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Governmentium - major new research discovery

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.

The new element has been tentatively named 'governmentium'. Governmentium has one neutron, 121 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 151 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 448.

These 448 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of governmentium causes any one reaction to take more than 194 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of about five years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places freely.

In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'critical morass'.

You will know governmentium when you see it. It can be found in large concentrations all over southern Africa.

Source: M&G, October 2003.

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